19. Create a Sexy Bucket List
“This is a great way to dream and fantasize without the pressure of actually having to check off all the items,” says Overstreet. “It’s a safe place to share these activities with one another. Be sure to decide that just because you put them on your list, they don’t have to happen.”
20. Consider Maintenance Sex
While the idea of whirlwind rendezvous is far more, well, sexy, being intentional about your sex life can have a resounding impact. Scheduling maintenance sex holds you accountable for being there for your partner, reduces the burden of incompatible sex drives, and minimizes the risk of being too busy to remember to get busy since you’ve already carved out the time for it. Plus, just knowing when it’s going to happen builds anticipation and excitement.
21. Seek Professional Help if Needed
If you are unsatisfied with your sex life, you are far from alone. “Many people have problems with sex because most of us grew up in a culture that taught us that balancing a checkbook was more important than creating harmonious sexual relationships,” admits Darnell.
If you and your partner have tried to talk about your problems and it hasn’t made things better, or if you are struggling to have the conversation altogether, you might want to seek professional help. “Having problems with sex is normal. Ignoring the problems is a choice,” she shares. “Most sex problems are resolved with meaningful adult sex education provided by a sexologist or sex counselor or coach.”
Sarah: With her husband for 15 years. Married for nine years.
As two working adults with stressful careers and young children, by the time we’re done with work, feeding the kids, bath time, putting them to bed, we are mentally exhausted (and maybe physically as well). On the weekends, there is always something going on with the kids or friends or family.
As with anything that is important to you, you have to make having sex a priority, even if it’s something as “unsexy” as scheduling it. For example, we realized we were just having sex once a week on weekends, so we decided to have sex every Wednesday. Now, we both know that Wednesday is a sex date, and even if we’re tired, we have sex. Once we start, it’s great!
We also do our best to get away, just the two of us, even if it’s just for a couple of nights. It really allows us to get grounded as a couple and relax and focus on each other. We also schedule date nights once every two to three weeks.
I think it’s also important to continue making each other feel wanted. We do things like give small compliments. As cheesy as it sounds, you should continue to court each other.
We try to communicate what we need to feel satisfied sexually. For example, my husband likes to experiment with sex toys on me, and I like to have sex with him while watching porn. It’s spiced up our sex life.
Rebecca: With her husband for 17 years. Married for nine years.
Whatever excitement exists when you are dating, engaged, and then in early marriage has to be replaced by a more purposeful decision to prioritize your relationship. I think a lot of it is making sure you still feel sexy and think about sex. If sex doesn’t remain a top-of-mind priority, I think it’s easy to ignore it and forget its importance. I think we all expect immediate attraction to our partner to do the work for us, but long-term relationships obviously don’t work like that after the first few years.